His Tone Requires A Gear Shift
(My uncle owns a chain of bike shops. We’re having a meal with my grandparents, and have gathered at the shop waiting for my cousin to finish his shift. An obnoxious customer is giving him trouble.)
Customer: “You are useless! Do you even know anything about bikes?”
Cousin: “When I’m not here, I race them.”
Customer: “Don’t take that tone with me!”
Cousin: “I wasn’t trying to take any tone—”
Customer: “Do you know who I am?! I’m the owner’s brother, and I will have you fired!”
(I am unable to contain myself, and turn to my brother.)
Me: “Did you hear that, bro? We’ve got another uncle!”
Customer: “…What?”
(The customer turns to see the crowd of us waiting.)
Dad: “I have another brother?”
Granddad: *to my grandmother* “Was this while I was away at sea? How could you?”
Grandmother: “All the jokes about a child in every port, and you were hiding THIS?”
Customer: “I… er…”
Uncle: “Well you don’t need to ring me; I’m here already! What has my son done this time?”
(The customer runs out. My dad starts shouting after him in a bad Italian accent.)
Dad: “You don’t a messa with the family!”
Grandmother: *to my granddad* “Well that one’s definitely yours.”
This, that, and the other thing 